V(s-t-b-)PFFtDoHAaMCI

I have authored a formula which is destined to shake the worlds of mathematics and metal to their very respective cores. What follows is Vinny’s (soon-to-be-)Patented Formula For the Determination of How Awesome a Metal Concert Is.

Simply stated, one can typically estimate how amazing a show is/was by how drained one feels afterward, and (more specifically) the next day. But the days of estimation are over, for, with Vinny’s (soon-to-be-)Patented Formula For Determination of How Awesome a Metal Concert Is, metal devotees can now be completely certain, and mathematical wizards can properly conduct long-desired studies of this phenomena.

DEFINITIONS

There will be some terms which we will need to define at the outset. These are, namely, the following:

CA: Concert Awesomeness

Sh: How Shitty One Feels the Next Day

NS: Level of Neck Soreness

LD: Level of Deafness

HS: Headache Severity

DL: Level of Dehydration

SS: Level of Sleep Starvation

CI: Caffiene Imbibed

BPM: Beats Per Minute

The measurements used in Vinny’s (soon-to-be-)Patented Formula For the Determination of How Awesome a Metal Concert Is are as follows:

Time (Standard SI Derived Units):

Hour (the duration of 9, 192, 631, 770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the caesium 133 atom * 3600)

Minute (the duration of 9, 192, 631, 770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the caesium 133 atom * 60)

Distance (United States Customary Units):

Inch (25.4 mm)

Foot (12 inches or 304.8mm/0.3048m)

Temperature (Fahrenheit scale)

Degree ([°F] = [K] × 9/5 - 459.67)

Mass (United States Customary Units)

Pound (453.59237g or 1.25lb Troy)

Volume - Fluids (United States Customary Units):

Ounce (2 Tbsp or 1.041 oz av of water or 29.57353 mL)

Volume – Auditory (Decibel) (Heavy Metal Prime Units - “The Manowar Scale”)

Notch (the equidistant circumferential division of progressively higher values on a control knob - standard setting is 11)

Concert Awesomeness (Heavy Metal Prime Units - “The Bruce-Dickinson-Eats-Sharon-Osbourne-For-Breakfast Scale”)

Will be explained below.

THE FORMULA

Vinny’s (soon-to-be-)Patented Formula For the Determination of How Awesome a Metal Concert Is is as follows:

The degree to which a metal show can be considered awesome is derived from several factors. Simply stated, the concertgoer must feel significant levels of drainage following the show in order for a concert to be considered exceptional. To illustrate: if the concertgoer feels like he or she just left the set of The Vue, then the show was probably a Linkin Park gig. However, if the concertgoer feels like Jesse Jackson sitting in the front row of a live 24-hour Bill O’Reilly marathon, then it is likely that Gorgoroth and Immortal opened for a returned-from-the-dead Quorthon.

To arrive at this level of drainage, several things must be taken into consideration. These are: To what extent is my neck sore? How poor is my hearing? How horribly is my head aching? How dehydrated am I? How sleep starved am I? How much caffeine have I taken/will I need to take? Combining the answers to these equations together via simple addition gives one the level of drainage (aka How Shitty I Feel the Next Day). We will discuss them in succession. (The Examples are from an Ensiferum concert I attended on November 14th, 2009.)

Neck Soreness: Here we will be establishing to what extend the act of headbanging contributes to Feeling Like Shit. First, establish the normal length of your neck from where it meets your collarbone to the lowest corner of your jawbone. Multiply that by two to account for back and forth movements of the head. Now drop the inches - we’re just looking for numbers here.

(Example: 5*2=10)

Add to that number the weight, in pounds, of your head (a typical adult head weighs 10.47lb). Drop the pounds - again, we just want the numbers.

(Example: (5*2)+10.5=20.5)

Now the complicated part of neck soreness begins. You must calculate exactly how many times you headbanged during the concert. The sub-formula for this is as follows: we will average one headbang for every beat of each song played during the show. But some songs are slow, or have slow sections, you say (unless you’re at a Slayer gig). This is true, but in any decent metal song there are multiple opportunities to out-headbang the BPM, so using one headbang per beat is more than adequate to reconcile the problem with slow sections in some songs. Then we must factor in how many songs were played, as well as the length and BPM of each of those songs.

(NOTE: You should always be liberal with the number of headbangs, i.e. not necessarily the strict BPM. If it is practice during a particular song to headbang to the 8th notes, then that’s your speed of your headbangs. Also, if you end up with a fraction of a headbang left over, round that bitch up.)

(Example:

Song 1: 205 BPM;

Song 2: 144 BPM;

Song 3: 148 BPM;

Song 4: 203 BPM;

Song 5: 104 BPM;

Song 6: 139 BPM;

Song 7: 161 BPM;

Song 8: 105 BPM;

Song 9: 119 BPM;

Song 10: 205 BPM;

Song 11: 132 BPM;

Song 12: 115 BPM;

Song 13: 140 BPM;

Song 14: 191 BPM;

Song 15: 165 BPM;

Song 16: 192 BPM

205+144+148+203+104+139+161+105+119+205+132+115+140+191+165+192=2468 Headbangs

Final Calculation: ((5*2)+10.5)*2468=50594 Neck Soreness)

(Additional Note on Neck Soreness: You only need count the songs of the headliner, because the only headbangs which are significant enough to cause neck soreness are the ones done to the headliner songs. Exceptions to this: (A) if the openers were deserving of neck soreness-causing headbangs (i.e. the above Gorgoroth/Immortal/Bathory example) or (B) you’re a gigantic pussy and any headbang hurts your frail little neck.)

Level of Deafness: Noise, obviously, is the primary factor in this element. If this was a John Mayer show, then you probably only need one hand to calculate this up. If, however, you saw KISS in Ottawa (current recordholder), then I hope you have a Cray or two handy. Begin with the number of speakers, including the amps at the feet of the guitarists.

(Example: 22 {Hey, it was a small place.})

Now multiply the number of speakers by the average volume setting of them all (standard is 11 and it is unlikely the volume settings would be otherwise unless you’re at a Manowar show, in which case the 11s have their own 11s).

(Example: 22*11=242)

Next we must factor in the distance you were from the stage. There is a baseline of zero for thirty feet away from the stage in a small venue and seventy feet in an arena/Wacken-style environment. Multiply the previous number by the number of speakers for every foot past this baseline (in the direction of the stage) that you were standing.

(Example: 242*(12*30)=87120)

(NOTE: There is a variable in the Level of Deafness equation. If you were smushed against the stage by several large personages, and were in close proximity to a guitarist’s amp (i.e. less than a foot and more often than not less than six inches) for more than 50% of the concert, then add that single speaker into the equation twice again.)

(Variable Example: ((1*11)*2)*(1*30)=660

Final Calculation (including variable): (22*11)*(12*30)+((1*11)*2)*(1*30))=87780 Level of Deafness)

Headache Severity: Thankfully, this equation is the simplest of the lot. Simply add the Neck Soreness and Level of Deafness together, and you have your Headache Severity.

(Example: Final Calculation: 50594+87780=138374 Headache Severity)

Level of Dehydration: This equation appears complicated, but in fact it is not too difficult. For openers, take the number of bodies within five yards of you and multiply that by 99 degrees (we are adding several hundredths of a percent because the temperature of those bodies is also just as elevated as yours).

(Example: 20*99=1980)

Next, multiply that number by the length of the concert in hours from first note of the opening band to the last note of the headliner’s encore (you can be liberal and factor in the few minutes of the first opener setting their volumes as well as the several minutes of cheering and then slow movement away from the stage after the headliner is done, but I have attempted to be precise in my examples).

(Example: 1980*4.5=8910)

Now, add to that number the total amount, in ounces, of beer consumed from one hour prior to one hour after the concert.

(Example: 8910+40=8950 {Hey, I was poor and had to save some loot for a tshirt anyway})

Calculate the total amount, in ounces, of water consumed from one hour prior to one hour after the show. This is to account for water reclaimed (re-hydrating). Now divide that by half (because, as we all know, water is beer’s bitch). Now subtract that from the most recent total.

(Example: 8950-(32/2)=8934

Final Calculation: (20*99)*4.5+40-(32/2)=8934 Level of Dehydration)

Level of Sleep Starvation: This equation involves two separate groupings of time. First, calculate Time A. Time A will consist of the following: the total amount of time, in hours, that would normally have been spent sleeping, but was not, due to: driving to the concert, waiting in line forever to get the best spot, standing around drinking beer before the show, actual performance from openers to final headliner encore, milling about after the show buying tshirts and more beer, talking to the openers while praying that the headliner comes out, and driving home.

(Example: 1+1.5+1+4.5+0.25+0.25+1=9.5)

Time B will consist of the total amount of time, in hours, spent at work or some other obligatory activity (i.e. community service) for which sleep-lost time would normally have served as preparation.

(Example: 13.5 {I had to work a twelve-hour shift and didn’t want to risk sleeping for an hour and being too deaf to hear my alarm, so I stayed up})

Now, multiply Time A by Time B, because the longer you remain awake the worse the loss of sleep is magnified.

(Example: Final Calculation: 9.5*13.5=128.25 Level of Sleep Starvation)

Caffeine Imbibed: This section is the most challenging, but it is the penultimate calculation in the Formula, which will be followed by the Grand Equation (which will be solved by the Final Solution), and it is the Amount of Caffeine Imbibed. Lesser persons might rely on Monsters or Red Bulls or those 5-Hour Energy Drink things, but we as a group (metal devotees) don’t fuck around, so we just pop caffeine pills. This is an important factor in the Formula, because this is only a temporary fix to Feeling Like Shit, as when you finally swear off the pills you crash rather hard. (NOTE: You might ask why the amount of coffee consumed is not included here, but I long ago developed an immunity to coffee-generated alertness, probably due to repeated 8-shot lattes at midnight, and I know a guy who got cut off at Starbucks. For serious.) Calculate four pills taken for the first hour of Time B from the previous element (Sleep Starvation), increasing every hour of Time B exponentially by Time A, because Time A is constantly magnified the longer you’re awake.

(Example: Final Calculation: 4+(4^*(A^*B)) OR 4+(4^(9.5^3))=4+(4^(857.375)) OR total 1.6655*10^12 Caffeine Imbibed)

(NOTE: Obviously, you should not take this much caffeine. As balls-out as metallers are, this would make even our heads explode. This is simply a measurement of how much caffeine we would need to take if we wanted to pussy our way through the sleep loss. But, because we’re not pussies, we don’t take that many pills, and just simply deal until we can pour ourselves into a bed.)

The Grand Equation: Now that all the sub-elements of the formula have been accounted for, it is time to add them all together, in this wise: NS+LD+HS+DL+SS=Sh. Leave out CI for just a moment. It factors into Sh, but not via straight-out addition – rather, it serves as a modifier in the final Concert Awesomeness (CA).

(Example: 50594(NS)+87780(LD)+138374(HS)+8934(DL)+128.25(SS)=285810.25 How Shitty You Feel The Next Day)

The full number of Sh is placed on one of two Concert Awesomeness graphs for final determination of How Awesome the Concert Was. Shows in small venues use the CA(Sv) graph, while shows in large or outdoor venues use the CS(Lv) graph.

These are the proper, scientific, mathematically derived terms which may be applied to a metal concert, in any appropriate method of conjunction, etc., i.e. “That show Grew My Virginity Back” or “Yeah, man, that concert gave me a Four-Hour Hardon.” Now, the Caffeine Imbibed comes into play here, as a modifier, as I said before. Which modifier may properly be used depends on the amount of powers to which the 10 in the CI total must be raised.

The first two graphs (CA(Sv) and CA(Lv)) depict the proper terms to use when describing a concert (Terms A). The third graph then depicts what would be the proper terms (Terms B) to use when describing Terms A, and by extension to enhance a description of the concert. Terms B may be spoken/written before or after Terms A, in any appropriate method of conjunction, etc., i.e. “I Got some Insane Whiplash off that shit, dude,” or “That show was like the Second Coming of Christ, man - Fucking Awesome!”

CONCLUSION

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Vinny’s (soon-to-be-)Patented Formula For the Determination of How Awesome a Metal Concert Is. Look for it in the upcoming print editions of several well-known periodicals, and in the online versions of multiple respected websites. I believe there is a film documentary deal on the table, and I have been asked to publish by assorted scholars from Cal-Tech and MIT.

May you find it as useful to your future endeavors as I have.